mOmmy.come back safely.

its been awhile

i cant bring to stop the tears

its frozen now.

the heart aches. there's nothing i could do to stop it.

maybe i'm not used to it.

so much has happened.

mommy come back please.

before she left we had the worst argument this year. and i said things i shouldnt. i've said it. there's no way i could take it back now though its exactly what i would want to do if i were given the chance.

u said i always say things to hurt people.

i'm actually hurt inside myself. maybe this is my way of expressing. i didn't know how to express properly i guess.

all the weeks before u went wasnt exactly nice either.

we fought almost every week now. i find it so hard to talk to you. its like u wouldnt listen. and u shooed me away when i came n talk to u when dad is around.i know he hates me. its alrite. u told me i'm a good girl and u hugged me when u left. after all these years. i could remember its the first. i saw jangjang writting in his diary today..even though its in chinese. i could make out a few words. he said something like..''mummy went outstation today..she gave me rm100 and i used it to buy my toys.mummy told me tht if she left and never come bck.if she dies. this will be my last toy. i hugged her and cried.'' tears well down when i read it. he's only 11. although i always fight with him.i always knew he's actually really soft inside.

i didnt like being at home alone. but what could i do? taking care of the three of them is so not an easy job. but it taught me alot. and is teaching me even now.

i'll endure.

never have i realised how much u suffered. how heavy ur burden is.

i always wanted to go against you.

remember that time i wanted to buy something frm Watson's and said its really important? and u said everything is important to me wan la.. and i shot back by saying that ur the not important at all one.

i actually really meant the opposite. but i guess u wont know. but anyhow,i hope u do.

i wish u were right here now asking me to sleep early and not play the computer till late night. but u wont be.

mOmmy. come back faster.

i scowled.i screamed.i swore.

i even said i wished u wud not come back.

i was frustrated. really am.

before u left and when i was muttering. ''have a good time..'' u went saying u wanted me to be perfect. u wanted me to study perfectly.before tht u said i wasnt studying. u said i was lazy.but i shouted back saying i had tried my best.i really had.but i know i flunked.i just couldnt do it.good scores are never me i guess. i am sorry i didn do well and dissapoint u. and dad. u 'd said i wasnt practicing violin. u'd said i didnt have manners. u said my attitude sucked.

everything u said hurt right to the core. i've been trying so hard.

tears are falling as i'm typing this.

i've thought u oways treated me as a big girl.even when i was four u never asked bout my homework. thats one thing u never did till today.i've done all my homeworks all these years without ur help.

jangjang is 11 now n u still helped him with his homework everyday. its strange.its not tht i'm saying u never took care of me. its just.in a different way. u taught me to grow up. and i guess i'm d most independant one among us four.

when u left the four of us were in the room. and the three of them were talking to each other bout what would they do if i werent here to take care of em'.they said the same thing when i was at their age and u went overseas.i'll always and forever be the elder one. i understand.

u said u understand me.and i said HeCk nO!and if u do,i had said,i'd give u 500bucks.u said 5things tht were true. things tht i never expect u to understand. but it was all so true. u know me more than myself.

the people i hurt the most are the people i love the most.

i wanted to socialise. i wanted people to accept me.

i love my sister.and brothers. thats one thing i'll never admit.

remember all the times we go out together as a family and dad never even talked to me? he wouldnt even looked at me twice.all he did was glare at me. and they hurt. and u'd be avoiding me.

i was sick and i woke up late last weekend. u guys scorned.

ii missed talking to u like we did mommy. how i'd spend hours in ur room and we'd talk about everything in d world.

it scares me why u handed me so much money in cash before u left..

Mummy...come back please.